I write custom jabber client in iphone.
I use xmppframework as engine.
And I have UITableViewController with NSMutableArray for repesent contact list.
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It sounds like you are not using a 'model' for the data - rather simply updating the 'view' (user interface), and thus is probably a bad design.
reloadData should cause the view to be updated with data from the model, which should contain the most current data to be displayed.
search for resources on the 'model view controller pattern'