If you're willing to pay for it, Anthill does all of these you're looking at. We use it at my firm for our web team, and it's pretty powerful.
Handle multiple languages
Out of the box, it automates your existing scripts and manages the artifacts they produce no matter what language.
Deploy artifacts to servers (i.e. deploy the war if all the unit tests pass.)
Deployment can be added as a step in your build process. I'm not sure you'd want to deploy directly to production, but you certainly could if management says you have to.
I would also like something that integrated with a decent code coverage tool.
They integrate out of the box with Clover, Cobertura, Emma, Checkstyle, CodeSonar, Coverity, FindBugs, Fortify, Klocwork, PMD and Sonar.
Good looking reports are nice, but not essential.
I'm not sure what reports are available but there is a reports tab (I don't go in there :-) )
Multiple notification mechanisms when things go wrong.
I know it can do email (and therefore sms), integrates with a few IM services.
I'm not worried about hosting. I'll either run it on a local server or on an Amazon instance.
I saw a demo of them firing up a cloud session from an image, complete with an agent for deployment. We run it on a typical Linux box, but I know some folks run it on a VMWare server.
Also, this maybe pie in the sky, but is there something that can also build IPhone apps?
This would fall under the first one, probably.
