Alright, after doing a ton of research and trying almost every managed CPP Redist I can find as well as trying to copy my DLLs locally to the executing directory of the app
Did you deploy the CRT libraries on the target machine? Long shot: since you have a dependency on 32-bit code, you should set Target Platform in the Build property tab to x86.
EDIT: trouble-shoot side-by-side resolving problems with the Sxstrace.exe utility, available on Vista.