FINAL UPDATE
It was our firmware the whole time. Embarrassing to a degree, but I\'m happy we can move forward and I can put learning Java off for an
And so our thrilling tale comes to a close. It was firmware the whole time (i.e. the code on the embedded device). We changed up a few functions and essentially poked around, chopped, added and altogether cleaned up the code and voila, the code is working. This pic sums it up pretty well. Curse you firmware!!
However, the bug described in my (lengthy) question still persists for many people and I know there are lots of people out there who still have it. All I can say is good luck and quadruple check your firmware (apparently triple checking it isn't enough these days).