You said you want all the alternatives, so let me add:
I understand you don't have any plan to buy a mac, but change your mind. Buy a cheapest mac.
Come on, you invested already on an iPad and an iPod. Buying a Mac mini shouldn't be so mentally difficult for you.
edit:
@Nathan: why do you hate OS X while you love iOS? As hotpaw2 says, they are basically the same. I believe the kernels are compiled from the same source. Both have a set of basic pseudo-object-oriented C functions for strings and array manipulation, called Core Foundation. The GUI part is done by libraries called AppKit / UIKit, which are basically the same.
In fact, OS X, even in Snow Leopard, has a few remnant of OS 9, while iOS is almost purely derived from NeXTStep.
On OS X Gestalt is alive and well (even after deprecation of most of Carbon), but there's no such thing in iOS! So, if you love OS 9, you should like OS X more than iOS.
I know love and hate are not logical, but you're not at all logical here :)
